The Juice: This week, we decided to continue our break with tradition, and do some different analyses on the Week 5 results. Doc graded the team performances for the week, and with one A and four F’s, you can see why his students call him Professor Dicknose. Now, I’m going to go over some of the week’s best performances, Ass-Kickers of the Week, and contrast them with the week’s worst, the Ass-Clowns of the week.
Ass-Kicking Offense: The Giants went on the road to Houston, and brought their work boots with them. 26 first downs, 414 total yards, and a 39 minute to 21 minute time of possession disparity mean a seriously dominating performance. They could have done without the two picks, but they spread the ball around well, had a balanced attack, and found the endzone when they needed to. Honorable mention goes to Detroit, but there’s a big difference between a road win at Houston and a home win against the Rams, even if it was 44-6.
Ass-Clown Offense: Wow, Carolina is grotesque. Six points sucks, but hey, the Rams only scored six, too, right? Yeah, but the Rams moved the ball (23 first downs, 341 yards of offense). The Panthers looked like a high school team against Chicago: 8 first downs, 147 yards of total offense, and three turnovers. Jimmy Clausen had a 29.7 QB rating. Impossibly bad right? No one could be worse, right? Well, Matt Moore, the other Carolina QB, rated out at 18.8. Together, they averaged 1.9 yards per attempt. That’s epic ineptitude.
Ass-Kicking Defense: Chicago’s performance was incredible, as you can see from the Carolina description above, but Arizona put up 30 points against the defending Super Bowl Champs without the offense scoring a TD!!! That gets my vote. They picked off Brees 3 times, and recovered a fumble as well, making up for the inept Cardinal offense (12 first downs and under 200 total yards).
Ass-Clown Defense: You could make a case for St. Louis, Houston, San Diego, or Buffalo, but Dallas was in a must-win situation, at home, and they gave up 34 points to the Titans. Chris Johnson had 131 yards and 2 TDs, and the Dallas secondary made Vince Young look like a Pro-Bowler, with 2 TDs, no INTs, and a QB rating of 98. Grandpa Wade is not getting the job done, and yes, Romo’s turnovers hurt, but this loss stems from the lack of a feasible defensive game plan, not from execution.
Ass-Kicking QB: Eli Manning and Phillip Rivers both put up great numbers, and David Garrard and Ryan Fitzpatrick had terrific performances battling each other in Buffalo, but I’m going to give the nod to Shaun Hill. He completed 66% of his passes for 3 TDs and no INTs and a 118 QB rating. He’s a 30-year-old 9-year veteran who’s only thrown a regular season pass in 3 of his first 8 seasons, but he got the job done in spectacular fashion for Detroit on Sunday. Why haven’t Arizona or San Francisco traded for this guy yet?
Ass-Clown QB: Other guys had worse stats this week, but Carson Palmer was at home against a Tampa team that has half the talent of the Bengals, and he shat the bed with three picks and a QB rating under 60.
Ass-Kicking RB: Ray Rice, Matt Forte, and Chris Johnson all had great games, but even though he didn’t score a touchdown or break 100 yards, LaDanian Tomlinson is my RB of the week. He was incredibly physical in his runs, and he broke down and wore out the Vikings defense for four quarters to earn the Jets an awesome fourth victory in a row.
Ass-Clown RB: Arian Foster was a beast last week against Oakland, but against the Giant’s defense he ran about as far as Stephen Hawking when the batteries die. His stat line of 2.3 yards per rush on only 11 carries and two receptions for a total of two yards is about as ugly as Stephen Hawking, too.
Ass-Kicking WR: San Diego sucked this week, but it wasn’t Malcom Floyd’s fault. He had 8 receptions for 213 yards and a TD. That’s almost 27 yards per catch. You might say “Hey, it was Oakland!” Bust the Raiders haven’t given up even 90 yards to a single receiver this season, and Floyd broke them off for 213. He’s a stud, and Vincent Jackson can stay the fuck home.
Ass-Clown WR: Terrell Owens stepped up for Cincy in a losing effort this week, but his buddy Ochocinco was nowhere to be found. Targeted 6 times, he had only 3 catches, none for over 10 yards. Palmer was horrible, but Chad didn’t do anything to help him out.
Ass-Kicking Coach: Perry Fewell, the Giants Defensive coordinator, put together an excellent game plan, taking away all of Houston’s strengths, and forcing them to abandon the run game. After holding the Bears to 3 points and literally knocking Cutler out of the game last week, Fewell is on a roll and looking to make up for problematic scheming (or the lack thereof) in bad losses to the Colts and Titans in Weeks 2 and 3.
Ass-Clown Coach: When you’re a losing coach, there are two possible reasons: you make all the right plans, and all the right decisions, and your team just doesn’t execute or is simply out-talented, and you lose the game. Or, you’re just an inept asshole who should be teaching his great-grandchildren how to whittle and being spoon-fed tapioca while watching The Price-Is-Right. For Wade Phillips, every week is reason number two. Jerry Jones needs to get on the phone to Bill Cowher and John Gruden, ASAP.
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